Monday, September 22, 2008

How to be Sarah Palin

1. Who is this woman?She is a former beauty queen. She came in second in the Miss Alaska contest and in fact won the Miss Congeniality title. But most of us only got to know about her because Senator McCain thinks she is all that. I mean, why else would he choose her to become the potential vice president?

It could be her looks, or it could be what we are about to learn about this wonder woman. She is the Governor of Alaska and as a child, she would sometimes go hunting with her father before school, a thing that she enjoyed so much that would later shape her adult life. She has a strong conviction for doing what is right. Here, be the judge of this; when her stepmother-in-law decided to run for mayor, Sarah Palin instead supported her opponent. Of course it was not because mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law do not generally get along, but probably because she thought the other person was better suited to run the office. So to be Sarah Palin, you have to be Miss Mary two-goody shoes, you have to dislike your stepmother-in-law, be a politician, and above all, be in the good books of John McCain.

2. May God’s will prevailSarah describes herself as a Bible-believing Christian. And when you hear how many times she alludes to the Bible, you will be convinced that this is true. As a young girl, she headed Christian athletes’ fellowship in school, and every time before a basketball match, she led the team prayer. An outstanding candidate for the Kingdom of God you may say. In fact, she believes that God is responsible for everything. On the topic of Iraq, she asked that people pray for the soldiers and that “there is a plan and that that plan is God’s plan.” Yes. God has tendencies of sitting in the oval office and deciding to invade countries. In regards to a proposed natural-gas pipeline she said, “I think God’s will has to be done in unifying people and companies to get that gas line built. In keeping with the tradition of the Bible therefore, she is very much against homosexuality, and believes it should be discriminated against.

3. Tree hugger?Not. To be Sarah Palin, you have to have no love for the environment. Scratch that. You have to absolutely ignore the environment all together. Feel free not to take any time off your busy political schedule to learn anything about the environment. And such attitude will get you thinking like this; that global warming is not caused by human beings. Aliens perhaps? Not that it is surprising, considering she has been chairman of an oil drilling company and her husband works for BP, an oil drilling company. What is that old saying - you can’t bite the hand that feeds you? Right, so to be Ms Palin, you should be clear about which side of your toast is buttered. Sarah Palin also hates the natural environment. She is a life long NRA (National Rifle Association of America) member, kills animals at every chance, and has sued the federal government for putting polar bears on the endangered species list.

4. Family values She preaches about the sanctity of marriage, the importance of family, and other conservative evangelical Christian philosophies. She stands strong defining marriage as the sole right of a man and woman. Not man and man. Or woman and woman. In 2006, she okayed denying benefits to homosexual couples. In 2008, she vetoed a bill stating that denying rights to gays and lesbians is unconstitutional. Her own underage high school student daughter is pregnant. Out of wedlock. Of course she comes off as a woman of great character for letting her daughter keep the baby. She is after all publicly against abortion. To be Sarah Palin, you have to believe that family values have nothing to do with teenage pregnancy. You should preach family values everywhere except in your own home. Another saying comes to mind. Charity begins at home Sarah. To be a perfect Sarah Palin, you have to have one description of family; Mother, Father, and heterosexual children.

5. The gun followed the crossWe have seen above that Ms Sarah is a good Christian. Kind of reminds us of another set of Christians. Remember them? The missionaries? Remember how they introduced God only a few days before introducing us to the machine gun? Well, Sarah takes the teachings of the missionaries ever so seriously. As a result, she is a firm believer in the goodness of the gun. She supports the constitutional right to bear firearms. I bet that gun must have come in handy when she had to hold a gun to her daughter’s boyfriend to marry her after making her pregnant. Okay, so I am lying, she did not literally hold a gun to the boy’s head, but surely a high school student can’t have been too eager to walk down the isle yet? Anyway, to be Sarah Palin, you have to be a lover of guns. You have to ignore that those things have been known to kill. And there you have it - how to be Sarah Palin 101.

Dorene Namanya

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